My 10th Anniversary Surprise
I’ve got a doozy of a question for you. How do I deal with the fact that for my 10th anniversary my husband tells me he almost wishes he hadn’t married me because I spend so much time doing things with/for my child?
I come home to him every night. I do my best to include him in everything I do, however, he refuses to include himself in anything.
For a long time I didn’t do anything. I stayed at home all the time. We don’t even go out and have adult fun anymore because he doesn’t want to. Now that I have started volunteering to do things with my son, he tells me this.
What does he want? Does he want me stuck under him 24/7 doing nothing? He is retired so I know he gets bored. I haven’t reached retirement age yet so I am still employed full time.
He acts like it’s my fault he doesn’t have anything to do.
Dear Totally Confused:
You would not believe the amount of mail I have received on this one subject. I am going to presume your son was part of a package deal when you and your husband wed though this occurs more than anyone realized in relationships where a child is born into the natural biological family.
We women tend to nurture our children when they come into our lives and so many times our husbands and/or significant others feel neglected or forgotten about along the way; sort of kicked to the curb.
In your situation I am seeing something quite different. I understand that you have tried to include him in the lives of you and your child but for whatever reasons he chooses to ignore your invitations.
It appears that your husband is caught in the ‘retirement rut’. The ‘retirement rut’ is self created. It occurs mainly when a man or woman works for years in a regimented environment then upon retiring decides ‘their time’ is just that, ‘their time’ with no demands or restrictions. That sounds wonderful in theory but it’s truly not logical or reasonable especially when their are others to be considered.
My suggestion is this. Try to find something you all enjoy doing or have in common. It doesn’t have to be extremely physical or costly, just something that will get him moving again. Bait a hook and go fishing. Go to the park and have a picnic. Take a painting class or learn to play an instrument together. The most important part is to get moving, together again.
I am sure his words were hurtful but try to remember we sometimes lash out at those we love the most. His words were most likely due to his own frustrations of feeling inadequate and not meant as an attack at all.
I urge you to continue to spend time with your son because hands on parenting seems to be something that one day we will find in the archives of family life and that is going to be a sad day for all.
Dear Delilah is written and founded by Delilah K. Fondren. Write to Dear Delilah @ firstname.lastname@example.org or PO Box 42, McCalla, AL 35111